


redamancy

by haechan143



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Crying, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Eventual Romance, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hyuck is just really sad, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Living Together, M/M, crying again, lots and lots and lots of crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24915847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haechan143/pseuds/haechan143
Summary: It’s been a few months since the accident and Donghyuck still doesn’t know how he’s supposed to live without Mark.orMark is gone and Donghyuck can’t help but remember when things were perfect.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 19
Kudos: 62





	redamancy

**Author's Note:**

> hellooo !!
> 
> just a warning: this fic is Very sad... i can't even begin to explain how many times i cried while writing it. with that said i please please encourage you to read the tags because we'll be dealing with character death :( please stay safe
> 
> this isn't beta-d so expect some grammar mistakes, misspellings, etc. 
> 
> ENJOOOOOOY! <3333
> 
> (also a small p.s. but this whole thing was inspired by the website The Unsent Project it's kinda cool so u can check it out if u want)

_It wasn’t a good day today._

_The good days and the bad days usually alternated, sometimes Donghyuck had enough energy in him to at least fake a smile or go out, but it’s been days since his last good day and he wasn’t feeling any better — there was an empty feeling in his chest, a hollow feeling in his stomach, and sometimes he couldn’t focus on anything._

_He drops back down on their — his — bed, his eyes closing immediately, massaging his temples and clutching his chest where his heart was._

_It hurts so much more today._

_He needed Mark — but the universe was a cruel thing,_ fate _was cruel._

_A sob escapes his lips, he hated it. All he wanted to do was text Mark, just like before, a short ‘hey i’m on my way home’ or maybe an ‘i miss you’_

_But he couldn’t, because Mark was no longer his — and he never will be, not anymore._

_In the darkness of his bedroom, his phone lights up. It takes all of Donghyuck’s energy to reach out and pick it up, maybe this was all just a dream… but he knew it wasn’t, it’s been months since it happened but Donghyuck hasn’t even come close to healing._

“hyuckie! i’m on my way over, i brought food!”

_It’s just Jeno — Mark’s college roommate, After the accident, Jeno kind of took Donghyuck under his wing, checking up on him every so often to see if he was fine, bringing over food. He was doing it for Mark, they both knew this is what Mark would have wanted._

_But they were all happy. Back when they were still in college when Jeno didn’t mind feeling like a third wheel, they’d go out, all three of them, Mark’s arm around Donghyuck’s waist or his shoulders, whispering sweet things in his ear and Jeno whining in front of them about how single he was._

_He drops his phone somewhere — maybe it landed on the floor, he didn’t really care, he didn’t bother replying either, Jeno had a key to the apartment anyway. Donghyuck sighs — he hates all of this, he hates that this happened, he hates the world for putting him in this position._

_He lays there, sprawled across their bed with his hand still over his heart — that’s how Jeno finds him. A small whine exiting his lips as Jeno holds him, tears escaping his eyes as a comforting hand rubs up and down on his back._

_“Jaemin discovered something,” Jeno hums out once Donghyuck’s tears have dried and he’s just sitting there, staring at the blank wall past Jeno._

_At some point in the last few months he took all the pictures of him and Mark down — he couldn’t bear looking at them, they hurt too much. They were stored somewhere in the apartment, he couldn’t even remember where, and he didn’t want to._

_“It’s a website, basically you get to send messages that you’ve wanted to send to your ex… it doesn’t have to help, Hyuck, but it might. I’m not always here for you and I just want you to have some place or_ someone _to open up to, don’t bottle everything up.” Jeno sighs, fiddling with his fingers as he looks down — nervous, when Donghyuck was in moods like this, it terrified Jeno, they were friends but he didn’t know how to handle this Donghyuck, not like Mark did… but Mark was out of their lives, never coming back._

_Donghyuck tries putting on a smile, he tries to be happy — at least for Jeno, who has been there for him since the day Mark left, who has come over so many times just to check on him, who has been taking care of Donghyuck more than Donghyuck has been taking care of himself._

_“Yeah, I’ll check it out,” he whispers, not having the energy for much more. He was drained, crying drained him and he wanted to sleep — sleep didn’t cure sadness but it distracted you from it, and Donghyuck needed a lot of that. Distractions. Mark used to be great at that, distracting Donghyuck from the real world — he was the escape Donghyuck needed._

_He’s alone again. Jeno left a few hours ago, after cleaning up the apartment and restocking the refrigerator with groceries, reminding Donghyuck at least 7 times to eat._

_He stares at his laptop sitting on the desk and remembers what Jeno said earlier… he hated burdering Jeno, making him drive all the way over here multiple times a week just to listen to Donghyuck cry over the same things. He drags his feet over, the only sound heard was the rubbing of his socks against the floor._

_The Unsent Project._

_It’s a website where you can send messages to anyone you want to — to let all your feelings out, without the world having to know who wrote it or who exactly it’s for._

_His small mood falters, typing something means remembering… he doesn’t want to remember. Not anytime soon, it hurts too much._

_But the image of Jeno and everyone else happily going through life, it haunts him, he wants to be happy again — to be able to go out without breaking down, or seeing things that remind him of Mark._

☼

**‘It’s been months. I still love you and I don’t think those feelings will ever go away. I cry almost every night trying to remember everything about you, I can’t really remember much anymore’**

Dropping his pen roughly on his notebook, Donghyuck releases a heavy sigh — his hand going up to rub the back of his neck. Their professor was in a bad mood today, talking as fast as he could and speeding through the slides of his powerpoint to the point where Donghyuck’s hand was flying over his notebook and his handwriting wasn’t even legible.

He curses under his breath wanting nothing more than to just smack their teacher and tell him he was supposed to _teach_ not to take out his anger on them. Donghyuck hated this class the most, the shitty teacher they had bringing down his semester average and most especially how Mark Lee and his friends chatted away throughout the lesson, distracting him from listening to the teacher.

He shoves his notebook into his bag, not caring if it gets crumpled — it’s ruined anyway, nothing he can do about it now.

Chills go up and down his arm, his breath getting a little slower — there’s only one person that had this effect on him.

“Hey, Hyuck.” Mark greets with a half smile-half smirk on his face, sitting himself down on the seat beside Donghyuck’s.

He glances up, making sure not to look interested. It’s become a little game with them recently — Mark approaching Donghyuck and the latter pretending he didn’t care.

“Hi,” he mumbles in reply, taking his phone out, knowing fully well Mark was watching his every move with curiosity — in silence of course, that seems to be Mark’s personality around Donghyuck, quiet and attentive, noticing almost every little thing he did.

_‘Hi, Donghyuck. I don’t think I can make lunch later. Sorry.’_

Donghyuck stares at the screen in shock, his heart dropping a little — not only did his mom just cancel plans with him last minute but now he had no excuse to run away from Mark.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asks, cocking his head to the side, tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek, this expression was cute on him, Donghyuck liked when he did that.

He shakes his head, a sigh leaving his lips.

Donghyuck didn’t hate Mark. But their personalities were so different, while Donghyuck enjoyed staying home, cooped up in his dorm on weekends, he knew Mark was out at parties, doing who knows what. While Donghyuck worried over his studies, Mark was worrying about where he’d wake up the next day; the park, naked in his car after fucking someone he couldnt even remember the face of, maybe he’d wake up in some random person’s apartment, having no way to get home and having to ask Jeno or one of his friends to pick him up.

But despite all this, Mark continued sticking to Donghyuck. He didn’t know the reason behind Mark’s actions at all. Donghyuck didn’t see himself anywhere near attractive, so having Mark’s attention was a little confusing to him. He didn’t like the attention, though, it wasn’t him, and he especially didn’t like the way boys and girls interested in Mark would talk about Donghyuck behind his back, he wasn’t used to any kind of attention and he especially didn’t like that he had it because of Mark.

“I’m free for lunch…” Mark trails off, breaking the silence, raising his eyebrow at Donghyuck — an unspoken question they were both familiar with. 

_Do you wanna have lunch with me?_

It’s a question shared between them almost every other day… whether it was voiced out or just an unspoken question from when their eyes would meet when they passed each other on the streets, or maybe in the convenience store.

Donghyuck sucks in a breath, mind racing to find an excuse to turn him down this time, but nothing was coming to mind… It was like he _wanted to_ spend time with him.

“Well, my mom just cancelled on me,” he replies, voice small. Going out in public with Mark would just cause people all around Donghyuck to start with their whispering again… and Mark knows that.

Mark knows people talk about Donghyuck just because he’s taken an interest in him. He finds it stupid that people have nothing better to do except talk badly about someone who isn’t doing anything except minding his own business. 

He’s shown Mark multiple times that he wants nothing to do with him, from saying it verbally to saying it kindly, and Mark still doesn’t know why he can’t keep away.

Even after that one time they found themselves making out inside Donghyuck’s dorm, he invited Mark over, neither of them knowing exactly how that night was going to end. Within a few minutes of being in Donghyuck’s dorm, Mark was met by words he never thought would leave Donghyuck’s mouth — a collection of insults and curse words and so many things that hurt Mark’s ego… but he sat there, at the edge of Donghyuck’s bed, as Donghyuck paced around the room, shouting and flailing his arms around just to express how fed up he was of everything going on. 

It happened in an instant, one moment Donghyuck was stopped in the middle of the room, his eyes staring directly at Mark, chest rising up and down as he tried steadying his breathing, and the next moment he was on Mark’s lap, legs resting on either side of him, hands roaming all around Mark’s back, his chest, his neck, and in his hair.

A few minutes later, when Donghyuck seemed like he was back in his right mind — his face was still flushed and his lips were red, he kicked Mark out. He was ashamed and he didn’t know how to bring it up again without an awkward conversation starting between them. 

Mark has been aware of how Donghyuck was feeling since that night — trying his best to stop the whispering, telling his friends to talk to everyone they knew and even confronting the people he’s encountered that were talking about Donghyuck badly.

Mark clears his throat, “We can stay at my place, my roommate is gone for the week and no one will walk in on us… _not_ that we’re going to be doing anything. But you know,” he chuckles awkwardly, hand slapping down on his leg and fidgeting with the fabric of his jeans, “we can do anything you want.” He says, a small smile on his face, and Donghyuck hates it.

He hates the feeling Mark’s smile brings him, the small swirly feeling in his stomach and the way his hands clam up… he hates Mark’s effect on him, he hates _Mark_.

He zips up his bag, narrowing his eyes at the stretched out hand, patiently waiting for Donghyuck — even if he hated Mark, both have started to notice that neither of them can keep away from each other, even after all the fights, the arguments, and the promises they wanted nothing to do with each other.

☼

_Donghyuck has been reading through different messages the past few days — his heart clenching with every relatable message, but this last one he read hurt differently — it was about how this girl lost the love of her life to cancer._

_He grabs a pillow from their bed and screams into it. He screams until his throat is sore, until his head hurts, and until he’s cried all the tears he could._

_He misses the way Mark would wake up in the middle of the night when Donghyuck had bad dreams, he held Donghyuck in his arms and hummed a song till they both drifted off to sleep._

_He misses the way Mark would send him texts at random times of the day telling Donghyuck he missed him — not anymore, Donghyuck would never receive anything like that anymore._

_It fucking sucked._

_He sits on their bed, his eyes red and his cheeks full of dried up tear marks, he stares at the walls of their room, remembering how they used to be full of pictures of them — memories they didn't want to forget, but Donghyuck did want to forget. He didn’t want to feel the pain in his chest anymore._

_Mark used to drop everything for Donghyuck, it wasn’t his best moments because Donghyuck was a huge pain in the ass sometimes, but he never failed to let Donghyuck know how special he was._

_He stares at the balcony outside their bedroom, remembering all the times he and Mark stayed outside, the cool wind blowing against their faces as Mark held him in his arms._

_It wasn’t fair._

_The tears are falling again, and his heart hurts, he feels so empty. Their whole apartment has felt empty for months and Donghyuck doesn’t know how he’s even survived staying here that long._

_But he will, because this is the apartment he and Mark loved — so many memories were made in this apartment and even if he wanted to forget, he couldn’t._

☼

**‘I never really understood why you loved me as much as you did… but thank you. You showed how it felt to love and to be in love’**

Donghyuck’s drunk.

At least he hopes he is — this week has been horrible. His parents checked up on him for the first time in ages and only put him down, criticizing his every move, and finding every opportunity to insult him. He also failed two tests this week, tests he didn’t expect he would fail because he stayed up all night the night before just to study. 

He knew there was a party somewhere near campus, hosted by one of his classmates but he didn’t want to see anyone from school right now — everyone was annoying to him, only because he’d heard some comments about him since he was caught leaving Mark’s apartment a few days ago.

Which is why he was now drinking in some bar almost 30 minutes away from campus, probably on his eighth drink right now, mostly keeping to himself on his side of the bar.

He gulped down his current drink, which he’s just been twirling in his hands, and signaled for the bartender, who just looked back at him with disappointment shown on his face — it was normal for Donghyuck, though circumstances were different, this absolute stranger looking at him with a mix of pity and disappointment. 

“Yes?” The bartender asks, an expression on his face that tells Donghyuck if he could help it, Donghyuck wouldn’t have any drinks for the rest of the year — but he couldn’t help it, so here Donghyuck is… ordering his ninth drink tonight.

“Can you get me something stronger?” Donghyuck asks, head falling down on his hand as his head spins, nothing looks right, the whole bar seems swirly and he’s dizzy, but tonight was to forget about everything going on in his life.

The bartender opens his mouth to say something, but closes it right away. Walking away and shaking his head as he goes to make Donghyuck his new drink.

A new song starts playing and it’s like a switch flips in his mind, Donghyuck runs to the dance floor — not caring who he was going to dance with or what was playing, tonight was about letting loose.

He danced along to the music, letting random strangers hold and dance with him, he was screaming, laughing along to things that weren’t even really funny.

After a few songs, when Donghyuck had laughed and danced so much he was turning red, he dragged his feet to the bathroom — he didn’t need to pee but he wanted to get away from everyone. He stared at himself in the mirror, not that he was processing anything, but he was a mess. His top three buttons were undone, his hair was all over the place and his whole face was flushed red.

His hand goes down to his pockets, looking for his phone, he didn’t know what was going on in his mind but he had a sudden urge to just call Mark, they hadn’t seen each other in the last week — the last time probably being the day Mark walked into class late and got scolded by their teacher.

Giggling at himself, he decides not having his phone was a good thing, he didn’t have to be reminded of everything he’s doing tonight… he’ll look for it tomorrow. 

He stumbles out of the bathroom, the bass of the music immediately going through his body. He bumps into strangers on the way back to the bar, suddenly remembering the drink he ordered a while ago. 

His heart beat falters when he reaches the bar though, because sitting in his chair is Mark, who he assumed was going to be at the party near campus, not at this bar no one from school even knew of. He wanted to _talk_ to Mark not come face to face with him — especially when he looked the way he did right now.

He spins around, attempting to get as far away from Mark as he could — but as he turns, sticky liquid suddenly runs down his shirt, and the dress of the girl whose drink he just spilled. He opens his mouth to apologize, his eyes not really able to focus on hers, but she beats him to it, shouting about how he already ruined her night _and_ the expensive dress she was wearing.

But Donghyuck wasn’t listening, not at all. He was more concerned about the fact that he could _feel_ Mark walking towards him, and he just wanted to get away. He was embarrassed by the way he looked right now, the sticky drink staining his shirt and making Donghyuck feel uncomfortable with the way it was sticking to his skin.

A hand wraps around his — pulling it behind their bodies so it was concealed, he feels chills running through his arm and through his body. The effect was probably worse because Donghyuck wasn’t really thinking straight.

Mark presses a kiss to the side of Donghyuck’s head, his lips lingering for a moment as the girl stops screaming — probably in awe of Mark’s looks just like everyone else is. 

Donghyuck’s protectively pushed back behind him, very subtly, as Mark talks to the girl in front of him, apologizing for Donghyuck and even offering to buy her a new drink. 

For the first time tonight, Donghyuck was truly conscious of his actions, his hand squeezing Mark’s out of nervousness, head bowed down as he chewed on his bottom lip, the music still blasting all around them.

Once the whole argument was over, Mark dragged Donghyuck to the bathroom, cleaning up the stain on Donghyuck’s shirt and splashing water on his stomach to get the stickiness off. Donghyuck was blushing the whole time, cheeks red as Mark’s hand wiped up and down his stomach.

The ride back in Mark’s car was silent, tense — Donghyuck’s head leaning against the cool window as they drove down the empty road, the heater in the car was on and soft music was playing in the background. He could feel Mark’s eyes on him every so often, and all he wanted was to hide and never show his face again.

“How’d you find me?” Donghyuck whispers, still looking out the window, scooting towards the door so he was as far as possible from Mark.

Mark pauses, “The bartender called me from your phone. He said he was worried about you,” Mark replies, one hand leaving the steering wheel to land gently on Donghyuck’s leg, his thumb rubbing back and forth, “what’s wrong, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck shakes his head, pulling it away from the window and finally meeting Mark’s eyes, “Super rough week, I didn’t know how else to cope,” he says simply, shrugging his shoulders and slouching down in his seat — fully aware of how Mark’s hand tightened around his thigh.

“You could’ve gone with me to the party,” he replies, furrowing his eyebrows, tongue pressing against his cheek.

“Didn’t wanna bother you, and I didn’t want to be around people from school,” he couldn’t make eye contact with Mark right now, the alcohol mixed with the lack of distance between them would result in Donghyuck climbing over his seat and to Mark’s lap, and he knew it wasn’t something he’d be proud of in the morning.

“You know I would drop anything for you, I would’ve gone with you to the bar in a heartbeat if you asked me to,” Mark whispers, sounding a little insulted as he pulled his hand away from Donghyuck’s thigh.

Donghyuck knew he was right, Mark _would_ drop anything for him — and he’s shown that on multiple occasions, but that doesn’t stop Donghyuck from snapping back, “Bet you dropped something to come pick me up though, right? Maybe it was a girl? Or a guy? Oh, maybe you were about to get high?” he says, a sarcastic tone in his voice that was completely out of character.

Mark sighs, his hand rubbing over his face in exasperation, “I’m not fighting with you, Hyuck. All you need to know is that I couldn’t let you do anything that would fuck up your life, so I left the girl I was with to pick you up, and I don’t regret it.”

Donghyuck sucks in a breath, the swirly feeling was back in his stomach. He didn’t like it — his arms wrapped around his waist and he sighed. _I keep messing up tonight._

They were in Mark’s apartment, Mark refusing to let Donghyuck spend tonight alone in his dorm. Jeno was out for the night so it was just the two of them alone. He sat Donghyuck down on the couch — making sure to leave the softest kiss on his forehead, before walking to the kitchen to get them water.

Donghyuck was used to being in Mark’s apartment, so this wasn’t anything. But under this circumstance, it is. He brings his knees up to his chest and sighs. He didn’t deserve Mark.

An arm wraps around his shoulders a few seconds later, as the couch dips beside him. Mark pulls Donghyuck back gently so his head is against Mark’s shoulder, his hand slowly moving up and down Donghyuck’s arm. The couch was facing the window, the two of them just staring at the stars shining outside in the sky.

Donghyuck sighs quietly, the peacefulness of the situation and Mark’s arm sobering him up a little bit. 

“Thank you for picking me up, you didn’t need to.” He whispers, his hands going to hold Mark’s, playing around with his fingers and lacing them together on his lap.

The apartment was dark, the only lights turned on were the ones in the kitchen and it didn’t really help them see each other in the darkness, but Donghyuck felt safe — like he and Mark were in their own world, away from everything that could hurt them.

☼

_He wonders if these people are okay — the ones who have been posting on the website. They’ve probably gone through what Donghyuck is going through now. Loss._

_He’d never wish this feeling upon anyone._

_Jeno has also been checking up on him_ — _calling every once in a while to ask if Donghyuck was okay. He tried cracking a smile whenever Jeno was around, he didn’t want to worry anyone anymore._

_But at night, when he was alone, the tears would fall and he’d wonder when it would stop hurting._

_He moved a lot of Mark’s things into a storage unit a few minutes away from their apartment, small things his family didn’t pick up after the accident._

_He even brought their couch to the storage unit — it was old, and it meant a lot to them, so many memories happened on that couch but it being in the same space as Donghyuck hurt more than he thought._

_He couldn’t just keep moving things out, he had to deal with life without Mark, without keeping Mark’s things away from him. It wasn’t right._

_Tears slip past his eyelids, rolling slowly down his cheeks, choking back a sob that was pushing its way out. He wanted to scream, he wanted to just shout at everything and everyone, but he was so lonely now that Mark was gone._

☼

**‘I thought I would never find love before I met you. You changed my outlook on life, you gave me hope, I wanted to be your everything.’**

It was Thursday night, and both of them had the same Physics exam the day after, they needed to study though, because it’s not like either of them listened to the discussion, they were both just sneaking texts to each other under their desks.

Donghyuck and Mark have been spending a lot of time together. Way more time than necessary — sometimes Donghyuck just came over at night because the bed in his dorm felt lonely.

It started a while back when Mark got sick and was stuck in bed for almost a week, Jeno called Donghyuck asking him to _kindly_ take care of his dumbass roommate, and Donghyuck found himself sitting at the edge of Mark’s bed, spoon-feeding him chicken soup, rubbing his back, and watching movies with him.

They’ve been close ever since, and it’s come to the point where people have stopped caring, Donghyuck isn’t a popular topic anymore — like suddenly everyone just decided there was no way Mark was dropping Donghyuck anytime soon, and they should just leave them alone.

Which is why they’re walking down the beach tonight instead of studying, their pants are rolled up and every so often water splashes up their legs. Their fingers are interlaced and a comfortable silence hanging in the air around them.

“What do you have tomorrow after the test?” Mark asks, glancing at Donghyuck who’s smiling up at the night sky in wonder and awe.

“Nothing, I was just planning to stay in,” Donghyuck replies, walking a little deeper into the water and dragging Mark with him — smiles on their faces as they just stare at each other.

“You can come over to mine…” Mark offers, a teasing smile on his lips as he pulls Donghyuck towards him — their chests now pressed against each other, with Mark’s arms around Donghyuck’s waist, “Jeno promised he’d knock before entering this time.” 

Donghyuck lets out a laugh, leaning his head against Mark’s chest as his laughter fades, arms going up to wrap around Mark’s neck.

“Why?” He asks, a teasing smile on his lips to match Mark’s “What’s gonna happen if I come over?” 

Donghyuck tiptoes, his mouth dangerously close to Mark’s as he whispers, “I thought we said last time was the last time?” 

“Fuck that.” Mark replies, voice a little deeper than normal, pressing a hard kiss to Donghyuck’s mouth.

Donghyuck laughs as he pulls away, fingers playing with the hair on Mark’s nape, making him close his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips. Their foreheads meet, both just staring into each other’s eyes, Mark arms are wrapped around Donghyuck’s waist, keeping him balanced from the waves splashing around them.

“You know… you have sexy lips,” Donghyuck mumbles, his thumb swiping across Mark’s lips.

“Oh really?” he smirks, “Why don’t you show me how much you do?” Mark asks, eyebrows raising suggestively and with amusement as he pulls Donghyuck in for another kiss.

Donghyuck smirks teasingly, pushing himself completely away from Mark, making him whine, he gives Donghyuck a pout that makes his heart skip a beat. Arms reaching out for him again, but Donghyuck pulls away, letting out a playful laugh as he turns and runs, each step causing a loud splash in the water.

He hears a laugh before he hears the splashing of the water as Mark runs after him. It was a calm night, the only sound for miles was the ocean splashing, the swaying of the trees in the distance, and the two of them laughing under the stars.

They were happy.

Arms wrap around Donghyuck’s waist making him squeal in surprise, hands flailing around as he tries getting Mark to let go of him… but in a way, he didn’t actually want Mark to let go.

They were facing the water now, Donghyuck’s back against Mark’s chest with Mark’s arms around him. It felt like home to Donghyuck, he wanted to feel like this forever, to _be_ with Mark forever — and that terrified him.

They’ve been friends for a while now and it’s become normal to just kiss each other, hug each other, but _feelings?_ The thought made the hairs on Donghyuck’s arms rise, his heart beating fast in his chest as he chews on his lip.

Mark senses his discomfort and turns Donghyuck in his arms — the younger avoiding any eye contact with him. It wasn’t that Donghyuck didn’t want to be with Mark, he did… after all the time they’ve spent together, he was happy, but something about being in a relationship scared him.

“Hey,” Mark’s thumb rubs against his cheek, his other hand flat on Donghyuck’s back, “what’s wrong?”

It’s something they’ve talked about before — the intense attraction between them, the tension. It’s not a new topic for either of them but for Donghyuck it’s different now, he used to just be attracted to Mark — short term. But now his days are brighter because of him, his smiles are a little bigger, his laughs are louder, and the thought of _forever_ was terrifying… forever scared him.

Though they also promised they’d never lie to each other, or keep things from each other, especially when the other deserved to know — and this is definitely something Mark needed to know. But how does Donghyuck properly say ‘I’m not just attracted to you anymore, I _like_ you.’

The thought has been haunting Donghyuck the past few days, the first time it appeared in his head was when he woke up next to Mark one morning after falling asleep to Beauty and the Beast. He found himself smiling at how _good_ Mark looked when he was asleep, he found himself touching Mark’s lips, and he found himself wondering how it would feel like waking up like this everyday.

Mark is looking down at him like he would give Donghyuck the moon, the planets, and all the stars if he could, he’d do anything to make Donghyuck happy, and seeing him now — looking so torn and sad hurt, it’s hurting Mark and if he could take it away he would. He would take all Donghyuck’s pain and insecurities away if he could.

“I’m scared,” Donghyuck whispers, his voice small, he doesn’t want this to go badly but at the same time he can’t live with Mark not knowing, knowing all the _what ifs_ would eat at him until Mark knew.

“Talk to me, baby” Mark whispers, pushing Donghyuck’s hair away from his face, his other hand cupping Donghyuck’s cheek, trying his best to get Donghyuck to look at him.

Donghyuck shakes his head, what if Mark didn’t feel the same? What if he did but Donghyuck liked Mark more than Mark liked him? He wasn’t ready to handle that kind of pain.

So instead of talking to Mark and opening up like he should have, he kisses him. It wasn’t like anything they ever did before, this one was slow and emotional — and they could both feel it. 

A few tears slip past Donghyuck’s closed eyes, the hot, wet tears landing on Mark’s cheeks.

He pulls back, cupping Donghyuck’s face in his hands, searching through his eyes for _anything_ , a sign, something Donghyuck wanted him to do.

But Donghyuck’s eyes were empty that night, he closed himself off, refusing to show Mark any sign of weakness. He ducks his head, his hands scrunching up Mark’s shirt as the tears fell.

He isn’t usually an emotional person, but something about being around Mark while he feels like this _hurts_.

Mark’s thumb and pointer finger toy around with Donghyuck’s chin, before pulling it up to face him. “Please,” he asks, his voice gentle as he wipes away the few tears falling from Donghyuck’s eyes, “talk to me.”

He sucks in a breath, head falling against Mark’s shoulder, “I think I like you” he whispers, barely loud enough for Mark to hear — but he does.

He places his hand behind Donghyuck’s head, breathing in the smell of his hair — how does he reply to this, was he even serious?

“... but I don’t think I want to.”

He sucks in a breath, his eyes stinging with tears. He knew it was coming, he should have expected it.

Mark nods, Donghyuck’s words repeating in his head over and over again. It was too good to be true, of course… of course. It was like he was trying to convince himself everything was alright.

They stay like that, silence consuming them, but this time it wasn’t comfortable or peaceful, it was tense and neither knew how to break it. Donghyuck opened up a conversation they never wanted to have and now they were stuck, what the fuck should they do now?

“Are you sure it’s _like_ , or is it just… attraction?” Admitting it was just attraction would break Mark, whether Donghyuck knew it or not, but he had to be brave — put on a strong front so even if Donghyuck completely broke him tonight, he’d look fine until he was alone in his room.

Donghyuck shrugs, and the gesture is like another blow against Mark’s heart. He wanted to run away, hide in a corner and just cry, but Donghyuck was in front of him right now and they had to talk.

They were back in Mark’s apartment — the walk back was tense and quiet, Jeno’s snoring was the only thing heard as they stared at each other. Neither knew what to say… was Mark supposed to admit he _did_ like Donghyuck? He couldn’t, not when Donghyuck wasn’t sure about his own feelings. He couldn’t be selfish.

But how could Mark not like Donghyuck? He was sure it had been obvious to everyone, even Jeno noticed Mark was a little bit happier — and Jeno was about the most unobservant person Mark knew. 

And haven’t they been a little together from the start? No commitments at all, but the kisses? The hugs? The cuddling? Did they not mean as much to Donghyuck as they did to Mark?

“They did,” a voice sounds out. Donghyuck was looking back at Mark, the first sign of emotion in his eyes since the confession earlier. Pain was swimming in Donghyuck’s eyes and despite Mark being hurt, he wanted to hug him; rub his back until he was okay. 

Donghyuck reaches out, his hand on Mark’s thigh, “They do mean a lot to me… but I don’t know how I feel about _wanting_ you.”

“Wanting me? Like in _that_ way?”

“Yes, and everything else.” 

“Then let’s do it.” Mark says firmly. 

_What the fuck did Mark just say?_

“Wait… _it?_ Like, let’s fuck?”

“Only if you’re okay with it, but if it helps us both… then shouldn’t we?” His head was running with thoughts, they were going in all directions and he wasn’t sure which one to pay attention to.

All he knew was that in this moment, more than ever, he wanted Donghyuck. And the need was all-consuming, but if Donghyuck said no, Mark would back away completely — he’d never let his own selfish thoughts ruin what he has with Donghyuck.

“Sure.” He hums out, it wasn’t a hard decision, maybe this could finally solve the battle he had in his head… maybe this could be the solution to all his worries and questions about Mark.

And if they didn’t, at least they tried. Tried making whatever relationship they had work. It was stupid, the whole idea was stupid. How did they get from an innocent walk along the beach to deciding to fuck a few hours later?

☼

_His breath shakes, he remembers that night perfectly._

_The way Mark was gentle, the soft kisses he’d place all over Donghyuck._

_A sob escapes his lips. It hurts._

_He pushes himself away from the desk… not tonight, he won’t do this to himself tonight._

_He sucks in a deep breath as he picks up one of the sweaters Mark still had in his closet. It’s been months but Donghyuck can still smell him._

_Donghyuck loved Mark’s scent, he’s smelled the same since they first met, always smelling of vanilla but his hair had a faint smell of strawberry, it was addicting._

_Sometimes Donghyuck would spend hours with his arms around Mark as he worked, not really minding his boyfriend as he typed away._

_Those were their best moments together — the small parts of their day, the small kisses they’d give each other, when Mark would massage Donghyuck’s shoulders when he was stressed over work._

_It was hard to love Donghyuck, mainly because of how he pushed everyone away from him — choosing the people around him properly. He didn’t plan on letting Mark in his life, he wormed his way into Donghyuck’s heart and stayed there._

_Mark was the only person who loved Donghyuck for who he was — not for the person he showed others, for himself._

_Mark loved Donghyuck even when he broke down on their anniversary, even when Donghyuck was sick and he had to take care of him but ended up getting himself sick as well, even when Donghyuck finally opened up about his shitty relationship with his parents._

_Mark loved him for his bad moments the same way he did for his best moments._

☼

**‘It’s 4 in the morning and all I want to do right now is kiss you.’**

It’s been years since they last saw each other.

Donghyuck was in his last year of college and Mark graduated last year, they weren’t happy with their lives — but they were coping.

Donghyuck was still living in his dorm, and he was still pretty much the same — it’s like he went back to the person he was before Mark, but sadder this time. 

Mark moved out of his apartment beside campus — though it held way too many memories. His parents lent him the money to buy his own place, somewhere in the city, it was a pretty big place and his neighbors were nice too.

But he wasn’t happy. He started his internship soon and he was living a pretty decent, yet boring, life, but even with all of that there was still something missing — excitement maybe, there was a hole in his chest that needed to be filled but he didn’t know how.

Donghyuck’s second semester started in a few days so he was back home visiting his parents — not that he wanted to, even after all these years their relationship was still strained, and honestly, Donghyuck knew it wouldn’t ever fix itself, not with all the negative feelings he had against them, but he remained civil, after all they were his parents and he, to some extent, loved them.

Mark’s old roommate, Jeno, was in town — they were having dinner at Mark’s place that night, and even if Jeno had seen Mark at his absolute worst, Mark still wanted to look presentable.

He was cooking, which was a stupid idea from the start, he was never a good cook and he knew that, but ordering takeout was too embarrassing — especially because he just wasted money buying himself penguin patterned bedsheets earlier.

 _Fuck._ He thought as he stared at the burned steak sitting in the pan in front of him, his hand clutching the spatula in his hand, and his eyes narrowing at the recipe open on his laptop.

All he had left in his apartment was instant noodles and half a bottle of grape juice so just grabbing some stuff and throwing it in the pot wasn’t gonna work out for him.

He grumbles in annoyance, dumping the ruined steak in the trash and throwing the spatula in the sink. _Fuck this, I’m gonna go buy something easy like chicken._

He grabs his wallet and his keys from the dish beside the door, not bothering to bring his phone — it was just a three minute walk to the grocery, he wasn’t gonna take long.

Donghyuck walked into the kitchen of their house, hoping no one was inside. His parents were rich so their house was pretty big and it was normal for them not to bump into each other at all for days.

But luck wasn’t on his side tonight, he realized, as he stepped into the kitchen and both his parents were inside. His mom, with her apron on, cutting up onions on the counter, and his dad, with his sleeves rolled up, washing his hands in the sink.

“Great, you’re here,” his mom grumbles, glancing up at him briefly, “can you go buy me garlic?”

Donghyuck looks back at her, a mixture of annoyance and disbelief on his face — first of all, his mother never cooked unless someone was arriving that they wanted to impress, and second, she just ordered him around without even asking properly.

He rolls his eyes, ignoring her, and walking to the refrigerator to grab the strawberry milk he came down here for.

“Did you not hear me?” His mom asks. Donghyuck didn’t need to turn around to know she probably had her eyebrow raised, with her hand on her hip, her lips pulled into a straight line. She did that when she was annoyed with him, which has happened way too many times in his life.

“No, I did.” Donghyuck replies, slamming the refrigerator door closed, and walking out of the kitchen “I’ll be back in a few.” 

“Oh you have to go to the grocery on the other side of town, they don’t have the garlic I want in the grocery near us.” She calls out, causing Donghyuck to roll his eyes again. _Unbelievable._

This is how Mark and Donghyuck find themselves in the same grocery, at the same time. They weren’t in the same food section, though. But they were near enough for them to sense _something_ was off, and it sent chills up their arms.

Staring at the shelves of bottled garlic, which he knew his mother prefered, Donghyuck realizes just then that he never bothered asking her what _brand_ of bottled garlic she wanted.

_What’s the difference, anyway, it’s just fucking garlic._

He mutters under his breath, hand reaching into his pocket for his phone. No way is he buying all brands because he didn’t know which one his mom wanted.

The phone rings in his ear, he was standing in the middle of the aisle — blocking the way for anyone passing through.

Mark was rushing frantically around the grocery, not even knowing what ingredients he needed for the fucking chicken, he couldn’t even check his phone because he left it at home. He turns into the aisle that contains seasoning; garlic, salt, pepper, etc.

Neither of them noticed anything at first, Donghyuck’s face was pulled into one of frustration — his eyebrows were furrowed and his tongue was pressing against his right cheek, annoyed sighs leaving his mouth every so often.

Mark was staring at the opposite side of the aisle, a whole raw chicken clutched in his hands — he was in such a hurry walking inside he didn't even bother getting a basket.

It’s only when Mark is trying to reach for a bottle of ground pepper that he gains Donghyuck’s attention, multiple bottles falling onto the ground along with his chicken. Donghyuck looks back in annoyance at the fallen bottles on the ground, _was it so hard for people these days to get baskets?_

The guy who dropped everything was bent over picking up the bottles he dropped, and Donghyuck could see the red tint of embarrassment on his cheeks. 

He rolls his eyes, but his heart is tugging him forward to help the guy. Hesitantly he picks up the raw chicken that landed only a few feet away from him.

His hand reaches out, the chicken in his hand, gaining the attention of the boy kneeling on the ground. Donghyuck’s eyes widen, mouth dropping in shock as he stares at the boy looking up at him.

_How the fuck???_

It’s been years since they talked to each other — their last conversation being a huge fight over that one boy Mark caught Donghyuck making out with at a party.

They weren’t anything official, not even remotely, their agreement was sex, kissing, affection, but no feelings. They _agreed_ on no commitments.

So when Mark screamed at Donghyuck that night, Donghyuck coming home to Mark’s apartment — his face flushed and feet stumbling over each other, he was surprised.

The shouting snapped Donghyuck out of his drunken state a little, because who was Mark to scream at him for making out with someone, when _Mark_ was the one that went to all the parties and took every chance he was given to fuck someone new.

The fight ended with Jeno snapping at both of them to either take the fight out of the apartment where he was sleeping, or to talk shit out instead of shouting over each other.

Angry looks were exchanged as they regained their breathing. A few minutes later they talked it out, but sometimes arguments like this don’t always end on a good note.

This time it ended with Donghyuck packing all the shit he had laying around Mark and Jeno’s apartment, as Mark sat on the couch, head in his hands, refusing to watch Donghyuck leave.

They didn’t say goodbye, not even a few words exchanged, or a final glance… and that was the last time they saw each other.

Until now. 

They stared at each other in shock, lips parted and eyes wide — of all places, they had to meet in a grocery?

Mark breaks eye contact first, grabbing the raw chicken from Donghyuck’s hands, muttering a low thank you as he stood up — cheeks no longer pink, but completely red.

Donghyuck stared, his eyes scanning over Mark’s face, trying to look for any differences in the way he looked, memorizing his face just in case they’d never see each other again.

But Mark looked _good_. He had this whole mature look to him now, his sweater sleeves were rolled up, his hair was messy — like he just woke up, but somehow, Donghyuck found it sexy.

Exactly why they were now in the grocery’s bathroom. Donghyuck was sitting on the sink counter as Mark kissed all over his neck, his hands slipping under Mark’s sweater, pressing his palms flat on his abdomen, the warmth going through his body.

Mark wasn’t in his right mind, right now all he could think about was Donghyuck. _Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck._ He pulls him closer, Donghyuck’s legs instantly wrapping around Mark’s waist, arms going around his neck, pressing Mark nearer to him.

They were noisy — Mark’s lips kissing up Donghyuck’s neck, sucking a little on the underside of his jaw while his hands gripped Donghyuck’s waist, just like how Donghyuck liked it.

Their groceries were sitting outside the bathroom, thrown onto the floor as they hastily rushed inside — wanting a little privacy before reality hit them and they had to separate again.

Right now all they wanted was each other, and they were running against a timer with themselves, and they didn’t know how much longer this dream world would last.

“What are you doing later?” Mark asks, breathless, as he pulls away from sucking on Donghyuck’s jaw, placing a small kiss on top of the already forming mark.

“Dinner with my parents, but I’m free tonight.”

Mark raises his eyebrow, an unspoken question passing between them. Mark was giving him the same look they used to give each other when they were both still in college, the familiar question making Donghyuck chuckle.

He nods, his answer making both of them smile. _Yeah, I’ll come over._

Mark’s lips press against Donghyuck’s in a fast kiss. Their first kiss since they saw each other again, “I’ll text you my address.” 

Donghyuck smiles — not a smirk, or even the teasing smile Mark had memorized, it was an actual smile of happiness, his hand coming up to touch Mark’s hair, twirling the uncombed locks between his fingers.

Mark hums, his arm going around Donghyuck’s waist, hand landing on his back — his eyes catch his reflection in the mirror and a laugh escapes his lips.

He was a mess, his hair was a mess, probably from how he hadn’t combed it and how many times Donghyuck ran his hands through it, his sweater was wrinkled from how Donghyuck scrunched it up in his hands when they first kissed, but the biggest difference was the grin on his face; the flushed look of pure bliss.

His eyes move to Donghyuck’s face, trying to process if this was actually real, that Donghyuck was really sitting in front of him right now, legs still wrapped around Mark’s waist.

Donghyuck’s thumb swipes against Mark’s cheek, hand cupping his face. He goes in for a kiss — a soft one this time, not like the rushed ones from a few minutes ago. It’s brief, just their lips pressing against each other for a few seconds, but a million emotions and unspoken words passing between them.

Donghyuck sighs, bending down to lean his head on Mark’s shoulder, eyes closing. Mark presses a kiss to the side of his neck, a small kiss that sends chills down Donghyuck’s spine.

They stay like that for a few minutes, both of them just finding comfort in the peacefulness of the situation, holding each other like the other would disappear if they let go.

Donghyuck’s phone buzzes in his pocket, the sound ringing through the empty washroom, breaking the silence. He groans, fishing it out of his pocket and staring at the notification in annoyance. His parents wanted him back home.

“I have to get back home,” he says, voice lowering to a whisper, “text me your address, I’ll be there.” he presses one last kiss to Mark’s lips, lingering for a few seconds before he pulls away.

☼

_Donghyuck was out for the first time in weeks, it was raining though, which is probably why he was fine with it in the first place._

_This way no one could tell if the wet drops rolling down his cheeks were his tears or the rain._

_He was wearing a hoodie — the one he wore when he needed comfort, Mark would recognize the hoodie anywhere, he knew exactly how to take care of Donghyuck when that hoodie was present._

_It’s just another way Mark showed his love._

_Donghyuck’s hands are shoved into his pockets as he walks down the sidewalks, the rain pouring down so heavily he couldn’t even see the other side of the road anymore._

_Today was fine, he got through the night without crying, but the moment the rain started pouring he remembered Mark._

_The day they went out just to make out in the rain because Donghyuck said he wanted to try it at least once in his life — they were sick for days after that, getting a little carried away in their kiss._

_Mark used to agree to anything Donghyuck wanted to do — Donghyuck was the adventurous one, he was the type to wake Mark up at 4am and ask if they could drive to some random grass field because he wanted to watch the sun rise, Mark kept him grounded, he was both Donghyuck’s safety net and trampoline — there to push Donghyuck forward but also there to catch Donghyuck when he fell._

_It was getting harder to walk, the rain was making his clothes heavy, and he could hardly even see where he was going anymore, but he continued moving forward… he’d continue walking for as long as his heart hurt, and it hurt a lot._

_Today the tears were there for a different reason — not because he missed Mark, not because he was angry at whoever was up there, not because of the empty feeling in his chest that made his days darker._

_He was crying because he loved Mark._

_Mark who would never be in Donghyuck’s arms again, who he’d never be able to kiss again._

_He was crying because something about the rain reminded him of Mark, all the small memories coming back to him — how his face would flush when Mark kissed him in public, how Mark would always sense Donghyuck’s uneasiness, even when they were a few feet apart._

_Mark loved Donghyuck… way more than Donghyuck thought he deserved._

_But to Mark, Donghyuck was the sun. He made everything brighter for Mark, from the moment he first laid his eyes on him to the last time they saw each other. Donghyuck was the star that stole the show, the one people would look at when he walked in a room._

God, this hurt.

☼

**‘I hate being home now because everything reminds me of you.’**

“Hey baby! You’re getting out of your last class for the day right?” Mark says from the other side of the line, his voice high — that happened when he was happy.

Donghyuck laughs, as he unlocks his car. “Yeah, I’m heading back to my dorm to pick up clothes then I’ll head to your apartment.”

“That’s great,” Mark cheers, his words muffled — like he was eating something, cars were also heard in the background, “sorry, I got hungry so I went down to buy a hotdog.”

Donghyuck adjusts his rear-view mirror, backing out of his parking slot. He hums, “I’ll make sure to cook for you later, though I don’t think you even ate the breakfast I left out for you,” he says, cursing out loud at the freshmen biking behind his car as he backs up.

“I did, though.” Mark whines, his voice still muffled. “but all you left me was a bowl of cereal and a sandwich.” 

Donghyuck chuckles, his hands wrapped around the steering wheel as he puts the call on speaker phone, “Don’t forget the post-it with my note.”

“Ahh, you mean the one with dirty thoughts?” Donghyuck can hear the smirk in his voice, “what happens if someone other than me saw it?” 

“I know you’d be extremely jealous… jealous sex does sound very good right now.” 

Mark makes a soft muffled sound in his throat, “I told you not to do that to me while I’m at work,’ he says, his voice deep.

“But I thought you were downstairs to get a hotdog,” Donghyuck whines, his lips forming a pout even if Mark couldn’t see him.

Mark grumbles under his breath, “I don’t even know if I’m hungry or horny right now. This hotdog looks so incredibly sexy but I can’t stop imagining you either.”

Donghyuck laughs, his eyes forming crescents as his mouth opens, “Yeah Mark, now _that_ was incredibly sexy,” he says as he turns into the parking lot of his building.

He doesn’t even know why he still lives in a dorm when all it really is, is a place he keeps all his stuff in. He spends almost all his time in Mark’s apartment, it’s a little farther from school but it’s a small sacrifice he makes.

They got together a few months ago, Donghyuck was graduating in about a week and after that he could finally move into Mark’s apartment like he’s been begging him to.

The question was asked while they were having sex, it was such a cliche and Donghyuck still rolls his eyes at how cheesy it is… but he wouldn’t change it for the world.

It was funny, they weren’t even on Mark’s bed, they were on the couch in Mark’s apartment and Mark was completely fucked out — his hair was completely messy and he was catching his breath and right before he collapsed he mumbled “Be my boyfriend.”

It wasn’t even a question, but that’s just a small detail about their whole relationship that Donghyuck finds adorable.

Mark hums from the other side of the call, “No I’m serious though, I probably want this hotdog as much as I want you” Mark laughs, the sound of him taking another bite of his hotdog heard through the phone call.

“That’s probably the stress of work getting to you, baby. But I can’t tonight, shit ton of end of the year homework just came through.”

Mark groans — like he was throwing his head back, “I remember when I went through that…” he trails off, “but that means no sex for the next week at the longest,” his voice subtly turning into a whine.

“You got that right, bud,” Donghyuck smirks — momentarily, he knew once he got started on everything he needed to he wouldn’t be smirking, “but lots and lots of stressed out Hyuckie cuddles.”

Mark sighs, “That sounds good, I love your hugs the most when you’re stressed out. Gives me another chance to take care of you.”

Donghyuck smiles, Mark’s words tugging a little at his heart, his whole body filled with warmth.

“Hold on…” Mark mumbles, the volume becomes muffled, like he was covering the speaker while he was talking to someone, “I got to go, I love you.”

Donghyuck ends the call, silence taking over the car — but Donghyuck didn’t mind, right now he was at one of his happiest moments and he didn’t want to do anything that would change it.

“I’m home!” A shout is heard hours later as the front door opens and shoes are heard being thrown on the floor, Donghyuck was sitting cross legged on the floor of the living room, his papers spread out across the coffee table, his laptop was in front of him and his pens were all over the floor.

“Hey baby,” Mark says, pressing a kiss to Donghyuck’s forehead, staring at the paper he was currently typing, the title standing out on top.

“Is that the economics paper?” 

Donghyuck groans dramatically, throwing his head back so it landed on the couch behind him, “Yes,” he whines, hand reaching out for Mark, “and I am so fucking stressed and confused, I’ve been staring at it for almost 30 minutes and I only have two words written down… my name.”

Mark laughs, his hand moving through Donghyuck’s hair to calm him down. “I still have my copy saved on my laptop if you want it, I doubt they’d remember a paper from last year. Just change up a few things.” 

Donghyuck’s eyes light up, his arms going around Mark’s neck, pressing a kiss to Mark’s mouth.

“You’re welcome,” Mark replies, his arms going around Donghyuck, breathing in.

“You smell like a stressed out college student,” he laughs, earning him a slap from Donghyuck, mumbling out a few insults. “I _am_ a stressed out college student, you dumbass.”

They laugh, arms just wrapped around each other. Mark was rubbing his hand through Donghyuck’s hair, humming out a soft song that calmed Donghyuck down.

Mark pulls away first, “Alright, I’m gonna go take a shower… care to join me?” He asks, a smirk on his face, waiting for Donghyuck’s reply.

Donghyuck stares at him, a look of disbelief on his face, “I just told you I have a shit ton of homework and you’re inviting me to a shower?”

Mark’s face falls, eyes shining with disappointment. He collapses down on the couch, hands gripping Donghyuck’s shoulders and whining, “But showers without you are super boring.”

“You can have as many showers with me as you want after I’m done with this economics paper,” Donghyuck replies, twisting his head to place a kiss on Mark’s cheek.

“But I already told you, you can use mine.” 

“That doesn’t mean I’m not gonna at least try.”

“But—”

“—No more buts.”

Mark huffs, falling on his back and staring up at the ceiling, “You’re mean.”

“Yes, but I also love you and if you love me you’d take a shower alone,” Donghyuck says, hand reaching up to his shoulder to play with Mark’s hand.

“Fine,” he grumbles in return, leaning over to place a small kiss to Donghyuck’s neck. “I’ll see you in a few minutes…” he says, pressing another kiss to the back of Donghyuck’s head, before pushing himself off the couch, “because it’ll be a very short and boring shower without you, don’t stress yourself out too much while I’m gone.”

“Stop complaining, you big baby.” Donghyuck laughs, focusing his attention back to his laptop, Mark’s laughter heard from the hallway.

It takes him a while, a few minutes of typing random words that don’t even make sense to him, before he decides _fuck it_.

He drags his feet towards the bathroom, his socks sliding against the wooden floor and his sweater sleeves falling past his hands.

He pushes open the door, the heat of the shower immediately hitting his face, Mark’s silhouette seen on the shower curtain — he was humming a song, the angelic sound reaching Donghyuck’s ears, putting a smile on his face.

He slips inside, taking his clothes off one at a time before he pushes the shower curtain back and stepping inside — the water immediately hitting his body.

Mark’s eyes were closed, his hands rubbing through his hair spreading the shampoo. Donghyuck grins, the sight of his boyfriend immediately putting him in a good mood.

His arms wrap around Mark’s waist, their chests meeting as he presses soft kisses along Mark’s jaw.

“Hi,” Mark’s voice sounds out above the water hitting the floor, his hand going to rub Donghyuck’s back, “missed me too much?” He asks, a smirk back on his face. One of his eyes were closed, preventing the shampoo from entering as he looked down at Donghyuck.

“Oh yeah,” he replies, teasing heard in his voice as his finger slides down Mark’s chest, “totally couldn’t resist seeing you naked,” he coos, bringing his face closer to Mark and kissing the corner of his lip.

“That’s fucking hot.” 

Donghyuck laughs, stuffing his face in Mark’s chest. His hand goes behind Mark’s head, playing with the hair on his nape.

“You’re hot,” he replies, lifting his head to look straight into Mark’s eyes, his face completely serious — earning an eye roll from Mark.

“You tell me that everyday, come up with something new,” his eyes narrow, but the tone in his voice was playful as he brings Donghyuck closer, his fingers tracing the line of Donghyuck’s spine, sending shivers up and down his body.

Donghyuck sucks in a breath, his head was still leaning against Mark’s shoulder. “Eventually… now turn around, I’ll help you.”

Mark places a kiss on Donghyuck’s lips, their lips soft from the water. He hands Donghyuck the loofa, pouring soap all over it.

He stares at Mark’s back, placing kisses on three different parts before spreading the soap all over.

“I don’t think I say this a lot… but I love you.” Mark mumbles out, he was facing the wall but his voice was soft — shy, even.

Donghyuck’s hand slides up Mark’s back and turns his head to face him, “You’ve probably said it more than five times today… but I love you more.”

Mark rolls his eyes, turning around so they were facing each other again. “That’s not true and you know it,” he whispers, voice low, as he grips Donghyuck’s waist.

His hand goes to Mark’s cheek, his finger rubbing over Mark’s nose, lips. His eyes shining with love, their eyes catch each other and they find themselves smiling, silently communicating with each other.

“God, I fucking love you” he whispers — happiness consuming his body as Mark stares at him, thumb rubbing back and forth on his waist. 

☼

_Jeno was over again, with Jaemin this time._

_They were in the kitchen, cooking food for Donghyuck who was sitting on the floor of the living room — seeing as he locked the couch inside a storage unit._

_He was wrapped in blankets, a box of tissue beside him. He was sick._

_Of course he was sick, he was walking around in the rain for almost three hours the other day. He had to call Jeno from a phone in a 7/11 he passed by._

_At least being sick distracted him from being sad — his body ached all over and he felt weak enough that his mind was all mushy, he couldn’t think straight._

_His teeth chatter as the wind blows, the sound immediately catching Jaemin’s attention from the kitchen._

_“Hold on,” he says as he runs past Donghyuck, sliding the window closed._

_Donghyuck sighs, hating the way his head hurt. All he was trying to do was cry and he gets stuck like this, he can’t even move around — the moment he stands up his legs would probably give up on him and collapse like noodles._

_His eyes roam around the walls of the apartment, everything was pretty bare now. It’s like he erased Mark from this apartment._

_Mark._

_Donghyuck’s heart clenches, maybe thinking of him while he was this sick was a bad idea. Now all he wanted to do was cry again, but he was too weak to even do that._

_Instead he wraps the blankets around him tighter and closes his eyes, maybe if he imagined hard enough it would feel like he was back in Mark’s arms._

_“Hyuck, you have to eat.” Jeno mumbles, holding a spoon of soup in front of Donghyuck’s mouth._

_His eyes open, staring at disgust at the chicken wing inside the bowl of soup. “Did you really just waste my fucking chicken on soup?” he croaks out, his voice was all scratchy and he immediately felt light-headed._

_Jeno sighs looking like he already got the same line from Jaemin, “I didn’t know how else to give it flavor, okay.”_

_Donghyuck rolls his eyes, because it was all he could do. He was thankful Jeno and Jaemin were going out of their way to help him — he wished they didn’t have to, though. What if they had to cancel plans just to take care of him?_

_All those thoughts were wiped from his mind, though, when he caught Jeno and Jaemin smiling at each other over Donghyuck’s head._

_He was happy for them, but something was pulling at his heart. Because the way they were looking at each other now was how Mark and Donghyuck used to look at each other._

_He forced a smile for the rest of the time they were with him, when they took turns taking his temperature, when they fed him dinner, and when they tucked him into bed that night promising they’d be back the next day,_

_It's the first night in a while Donghyuck didn’t cry, not because he didn’t want to or because he wasn’t sad, but because he couldn’t. It didn’t stop his heart from aching, though. The burning feeling in his chest, the emptiness in his stomach._

_Tonight Donghyuck just felt empty, he couldn’t cry anymore — not even the silent tears that fell out of his eyes. Instead he stares at the ceiling, remembering all the nights he used to do this in the past, but back then he had Mark’s arm around him._

_These days the other side of the bed was cold, empty, like something was missing from it. Because something was._

_It was a constant reminder for Donghyuck that things wouldn’t go back to normal, this was the new normal. But if this is how his life is supposed to be in the next few years, he didn’t want it._

☼

**‘Loving you was the most natural and organic feeling and the worst part is that I know I’ll never find it again’**

“I’m home,” Donghyuck shouts as he drops his car keys on the coffee table, on a search for Mark — he just spent the entire day with his parents and he needs any distraction right now.

“Mark?” He shouts out, cracking open the bathroom door just to see if he was inside.

They moved in together about a year ago when Donghyuck graduated. Mark had work and Donghyuck had his internship but even with their busy schedules they still managed to spend time together at night, or get in some calls and texts during the day.

Right now, Donghyuck was sure Mark was home so he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t answering.

“Mark,” he shouts out one last time as he pushes open their bedroom door, the door at the end of the hallway, “hey baby what’s wrong?” his eyes soften as he stares at Mark, whose head is tucked between his knees as he clutches his phone in his hand.

Donghyuck sits beside him, his arm going around Mark’s shoulders and the other rubbing up and down Mark’s thigh, “Talk to me,” he whispers, trying to get Mark to sit up straight.

“They’re promoting me,” Mark whispers, his voice shaking as he stares at the wall behind Donghyuck.

Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrow, “That’s great...” he trails off, noticing the sad look on Mark’s face, “what’s wrong?” he asks, his hand wrapping around Mark’s giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“The new office is 5 hours from here…” he mumbles, eyes shifting a little so he was looking at Donghyuck — he saw the small flash of surprise, pain, and guilt in his eyes and Mark wanted to reach out for him, bury his face in Donghyuck’s neck and tell him he wouldn’t accept the job. But he couldn’t lie.

Donghyuck was looking away, feeling like his heart was being squeezed dry in his chest. “Well, you should take it,” he says, trying to put on a supportive smile on his face as he squeezes Mark’s hand.

Mark sighs, his hand reaching up to Donghyuck’s neck — pulling their faces together, “I normally wouldn’t get it, but I’m being promoted up 3 ranks if I move there, and when I finally marry you I want to be able to afford anything. I want to give you the world, Hyuck.”

This was a conversation they had a few months back, it happened at 3 in the morning. Donghyuck was in Mark’s arms, waking up because he could feel Mark’s discomfort — like he was thinking.

“Hey baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, turning Mark’s chin so their eyes would meet.

Mark stared at Donghyuck for a few minutes, as if he was taking in every little thing about him, eyes scanning over Donghyuck’s entire face before pulling him down for a kiss.

Their foreheads were leaning against each other, Mark’s hand cupping Donghyuck’s face as they lay in the dark, “One day I’m gonna marry you, Lee Donghyuck,” he whispered, his words sending chills through Donghyuck’s body.

He breathed out a sigh of relief — glad it wasn’t anything bad, “Oh, Mark… I’d love to, but are you sure this isn’t just 3am talking?” he asks, the sleepiness still in his voice as his hand goes up to touch Mark’s cheek.

“No, baby. I’m serious… one day, when we’re both settled down with proper jobs, I’m gonna ask you to marry me.” 

Donghyuck smiles, the white of his teeth shining in the dark. He reaches for Mark’s hand under the blanket, his thumb rubbing over back and forth.

“And I’d say yes,” he whispers, placing the softest kiss on Mark’s cheek before they both fell asleep with smiles on their faces.

Donghyuck lets out a shaky breath, his hand gripping Mark’s — he was scared things weren’t going to work out. “This is for _you_ , Mark. I’m telling you to go for it, but in the end the decision is yours,” 

“But we’re one, okay? You and me. Your decisions are my decisions,” Mark says firmly, holding both Donghyuck’s hands in his.

Donghyuck looks away, staring at every possible place he could stare — the pictures of them all over the walls, the furniture in this room they picked out together, the balcony they’d stay in when the room felt too stuffy especially during the summer.

“We’ll make it work,” Donghyuck whispers, “right?”

“Of course we will, it’s you and me against the world… against the universe, against _fate_.”

They both sigh, hating the whole situation. Mark would ask Donghyuck to move out with him, but Donghyuck’s life was here, it wouldn’t be fair to ask Donghyuck to leave the same way it wasn’t fair for Donghyuck to ask Mark to stay.

They’d make it work… Mark would drive down to Donghyuck every weekend, or sometimes Donghyuck would drive up to Mark. Calls, texts, everything would remain the same. Except this time, they wouldn’t be together physically.

Donghyuck was outside on the balcony, it was night time now — the moon was shining brightly in the sky and he was watching the city below him, cars zooming through the streets, people walking on the sidewalk.

Nothing was processing right now. Mark was moving out in a week, and Donghyuck didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. There was a small hole in his chest and it seemed to be growing every minute that passed.

His fingers tighten around his cup of hot chocolate, it was cold outside and no one else was out, but the tension in the apartment was too suffocating and he needed to breathe.

Hands wrapped around his waist, head leaning on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Come to bed,” Mark whispered, his voice rough and scratchy as if he just got up.

“In a while,” Donghyuck mumbles, trying to ignore the way Mark’s fingers were circling around his stomach, the way, even after all these years, it still sends butterflies out in his stomach, “I just needed to think.”

Mark hums, pressing a kiss to Donghyuck’s nape, “I’ll wait for you inside.”

Donghyuck was out for a while after that, tolerating the cold until he couldn’t feel his hands anymore. He releases a shaky breath, pushing the sliding door open. Mark was awake — like he said he’d be, guilt went through Donghyuck’s body as he realized he made Mark wait up for him.

He cuddles up to him, his cold hand meeting Mark’s chest — the beating of his heart against Donghyuck’s hand.

They said they’d make it work… but why does Donghyuck feel like it won’t? 

Mark was leaving today, Donghyuck wanted to take a sick day to drive up with him but he had an important presentation he couldn’t miss.

So instead, he gave Mark a kiss and waited until his car was no longer in sight before he left for the office — not wanting to step inside the apartment anymore, he knew it was going to be empty, he didn’t want to face that reality just yet.

The texts that day came in a lot, lots of calls from Mark too, pictures of the new apartment they picked out together. Donghyuck saw them all, some he replied to but others he ignored.

That night was lonely, the bed felt empty and the apartment was too quiet. Mark wasn’t a loud person but without him it felt too empty, too dead. They sent each other goodnight texts, but Donghyuck was far from falling asleep — thoughts were running through his head, forcing him to stay awake.

It was 5 in the morning when Mark called, the brightness of the screen illuminating the room. 

“Good morning,” he whispered, “I miss you like hell.”

Donghyuck sighs, glad he wasn’t the only one, “I miss you too.”

They were fine for a week after that, but as the days progressed and they were spending more time apart, the calls stopped, they turned into texts and the usual texts stopped arriving. Neither of them could even drive the last few weeks because of busy schedules.

Mark was busy, Donghyuck understood, but his insecurity was always at the back of his mind — and it was eating at him.

Donghyuck was driving home, his papers scattered all over the passenger’s seat. He couldn’t bear to be in his office right now, so he took the rest of the day off.

Mark was waiting inside the apartment — a weird sight, Donghyuck had to check thrice if it was really him. They hadn’t seen each other in a month, and their texts have reduced to about 7 a day.

“Hi,” Mark smiled, holding his arms open as he waited for Donghyuck to jump into them.

That night they were happy, but Mark had to leave the next day — driving almost ten hours in total just to spend the night with Donghyuck.

It only happened once, quickly after that the texting stopped altogether, they were both busy with work and they got home so late at night there wasn’t any time to call or send a few texts.

But they were still together, Donghyuck turned down every person that asked him out…but the nagging voice in his mind was telling him maybe he was the only one staying loyal, what if Mark was out with someone new right now?

His heart ached with longing, he missed Mark more right now than he ever has. 

He called. Thrice. But Mark didn’t pick up.

It’s fine, it was normal for them now… and Donghyuck was terrified, distance didn’t make the heart grow fonder, he felt like distance was pulling them apart and he hated that.

The bed felt emptier that night, if it was even possible and his mind was full of insecure thoughts.

What if Mark was ignoring him because he found someone new? What if Mark was out with someone new right now? What if this whole distance thing was just an excuse for Mark to find someone new?

His heart ached, and for the first time since Mark left, Donghyuck cried.

He was scared — scared for his heart, for his relationship, he was scared he was going to lose Mark. The tears slipped out silently, landing on the pillow under his head as his shoulders shook with silenced sobs.

The next few days were torture, he ignored everyone — his insecurities getting the better of him. He turned his phone off and bought a new one just for work, that’s the phone he kept on him at all times.

He stayed out of the apartment as much as he could, not wanting to stay there when it was as empty as it was.

He holed himself up in the office — he was raised to a higher position a few days ago and he was trying to prove himself, he did as much as he could and stayed there until 10pm every night. He felt empty but at least he was getting to a better place in his work life. 

He was brought home one night by the company driver, seeing that Donghyuck was the last to leave the building, he offered to drive him home.

Donghyuck thanked him as he stepped out of the car, his eyes immediately seeing the familiar car Mark owned — his heart was beating fast in his chest, the car parked in front of him staring back mockingly. He raised his eyes to the balcony, the sliding door was open — something Mark did when he was stressed.

_Fuck._

He couldn’t deal with this tonight, it was 11pm and he still had so much to do. He had to do his work, he had to finish reading papers.

It was like his heart was pulling him towards the apartment but his mind was pulling him back. 

He was probably standing there for a few minutes, options swimming in his head, should he stay or should he leave? 

He released a shaky breath as a familiar body walked out of the door and to the balcony. Mark looked different — it’s probably been 2 and a half months since they’ve seen each other, and the sight of him tugged at Donghyuck’s heart. 

He shook his head and turned to look away, all his things clutched in his hand. At the same moment his head turned, Mark noticed him, watching as Donghyuck walked away from the building — from _him_.

His heart stopped, was this Donghyuck’s way of leaving him?

He ran, ran as fast he could down the stairs and to the direction Donghyuck was running in.

“Hyuck!” he shouted when they were a few feet apart. They were on the sidewalk now, cars zooming past them, but they were alone on the sidewalk.

Donghyuck turned around, an unknown expression on his face, Mark’s mouth opened in surprise — the unusual expression on Donghyuck’s face as he stared him down, like he was a stranger.

Mark’s heart ached and he reached for his boyfriend. Donghyuck was still in his work clothes, his button up tucked out of his pants and his suit jacket was hanging on his arm, his hands were full of papers and his hair was messy — Mark didn’t recognize _him._

Donghyuck looked tired, his eyes were missing the life in them, his shoulders were hanging probably from a few nights of restless sleep, his eye bags were starting to darken, Mark wanted to hug him.

“Are you okay?” he found himself asking, the question taking Donghyuck back. No one’s asked him that recently — he’s been working nonstop, sleeping less, crying more, and no one has asked him how he’s been.

He cries, head dropping and shoulders sagging, his tears falling on the pavement below them.

Mark walks towards him, his arms immediately going around Donghyuck — and despite them not seeing each other in the last few months, Donghyuck falls in his arms, letting Mark hold him.

They were back in their apartment, Donghyuck was sprawled on top of Mark, letting all his worries drift away for the time being. Mark was playing with Donghyuck’s hair and leaving small kisses all over Donghyuck’s face and neck — it was calming.

They talked about everything, how Mark has been, how Donghyuck has been, why they’ve been drifting apart.

Lots of apologies were exchanged, lots of hugs, lots of kisses. They were okay again.

They promised they’d work harder to talk to each other. Juggling work and their relationship at the same time would be tough, but they could do it… properly this time.

Mark left the next day, after kissing Donghyuck goodbye and promising he’d be back the next time he was free.

They’d be fine.

☼

_Donghyuck was crying again, it was another bad day._

_He woke up and he was okay, his face was dry — he didn’t cry in his sleep._

_He thought he was okay so instead of heating up instant noodles like he usually did, he was in the kitchen cooking._

_Until his finger hit the pan and he jumped back in surprise, making everything that was cooking fall on the floor._

_It was such a small thing but it made Donghyuck cry, he was sitting on the floor holding ice to his finger as he cried._

_He remembered when Mark would take care of him when things like this happened, when Mark would laugh and baby him the whole day._

_God, he fucking missed Mark._

_His annoying laugh where he’d hit his hand against his leg, or when something was really funny he’d hit Donghyuck._

_The tears wouldn’t stop, and Donghyuck was starting to wonder if it would ever stop hurting, if the hole in his chest would ever be filled, if the smile on his face would ever be real again._

_He smiled his way through everything. That was the thing about smiles — unless the person knew you personally, they’d never guess that your smile wasn’t a smile of genuine happiness. He smiled at strangers he passed in the streets, hoping they’d never have to go through what he was. He smiled at Jeno and Jaemin, hoping they stayed together longer than he and Mark did. He smiled at children passing by, thinking of all the children he and Mark would have adopted in the future._

_Only when he was alone did everything really hit him, the way things were never going back to before — they couldn’t. All he had to do was accept what happened and deal with it, but he couldn’t._

_His hands shook and the tears would fall harder every time he thought of how Mark would hold him, how he’d gently place kisses on Donghyuck’s nose, how much Mark loved him._

_Because Mark did. Mark loved Donghyuck so much they couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t._

☼

**‘Had I know the last time I held you would be the last. I would’ve held on so much fucking tighter’**

Life was good for them.

They were happy with what they had — sometimes it would take weeks before either of them could drive to each other but unlike the last time they were apart, they were okay.

When they couldn’t pick up calls, they’d leave voice mails and sometimes Donghyuck would spam text Mark, random messages about how his day is going, what he has upcoming and how much he missed Mark. They talked on the phone at night, sometimes falling asleep on each other but the sound of their snoring was calming. 

Sometimes Mark would drive down to surprise Donghyuck, setting up the dining table and the whole apartment to Donghyuck’s taste, the food on the table obviously bought — Mark still couldn’t cook for shit.

Their second anniversary was coming up in a few days and Mark was taking a long weekend off to bring Donghyuck somewhere.

It remained a surprise where exactly they were going, Mark refusing to tell Donghyuck no matter how many times he begged… not even Jeno knew where they were going.

Donghyuck was stuck in the office, his boss was being a real piece of shit and kept passing all his work down. He was holed up for days and sometimes he’d be too busy finishing everything to even mind the countless calls and texts from Mark asking if he was okay.

He sighs, tonight was gonna be longer he could feel it, and he probably wasn’t gonna get home till after midnight.

As if sensing how Donghyuck felt from so far away, Mark sends a text telling telling him to breathe and not stress too much over work, the message instantly calming Donghyuck down — he leans back in his chair and stares at his laptop, he wasn’t gonna be able to do this at all.

A few days later, Jeno was in his apartment, lying down in the middle of the carpet in the living room as Donghyuck went to cook him food.

“Jen, that carpet is dirty as fuck, you know?” Donghyuck asks, a small laugh coming out with the question as he watched Jeno move his arm and legs up and down like he was making an angel.

“I would stay on the couch but a few days ago Mark just told me what exactly happened there the last time he was over… that couch is fucking ruined for me.”

Donghyuck’s face flushes red — not because of what Jeno knows, but because he remembers the night Mark was last over.

It was around two weeks ago and Mark was pretty drained from driving so far, they were laying on the couch, Donghyuck on top as Mark’s hand rubbed up and down his back.

They went from that to lazy sex in a few minutes — it wasn’t rushed like how it normally is, it was slow and while it was happening Mark was looking directly into Donghyuck’s eyes, it’s something he’s done before but at the time Donghyuck couldn’t stop smiling, either from the bliss or from how many times Mark unspokenly said I love you.

“That’s nasty… why would he tell you that?” Donghyuck replies, an amused smile on his face, he didn’t really really want an answer, he knew Mark and Jeno were like brothers and that Mark wouldn’t tell Jeno _exactly_ what happened.

“It was probably to get me out of his apartment that day…” Jeno grumbles, “imagine how hurt I was. I was visiting my best friend and the first thing I hear is ‘Jen, I’m busy right now’ but apparently he wasn’t too busy to tell me all about your sex life.”

Donghyuck laughs, handing Jeno a plate of food, “Is this the chicken Mark’s always talking about?” he asks, pointing at the chicken legs on the plate.

Donghyuck hums, right as his phone rings.

His face lights up as he sees who the caller is, “Sorry Jeno, I have to get this,” he announces, answering the phone before Jeno even had the chance to open his mouth.

“I visit you because Mark pushes me away for you and you’re doing the same to me,” he whines playfully, throwing his hands in the air like a child throwing a tantrum, but Donghyuck knew he wasn’t serious.

Jeno was the heir to his dad’s company, and while he was supposed to be at the office all day, learning how to run the company once it was handed down to him, no one really knew why he wasted his time eating home-cooked chicken on the floor of his friends’ apartments whining about how they weren’t spending time with him.

“Hi,” Donghyuck breathes out, falling down on the bed.

“Hi, is Jeno there?” Mark asks, a laughing tone in his voice.

Donghyuck hums, closing his eyes and basking in the sound of Mark’s voice… who knew when he’d hear it again, “Yeah. I just fed him some chicken, he’s eating it outside.”

Mark laughs, shuffling around on the other end of the line, “Sometimes I feel like Jeno’s our child… practice for the future, you know.”

Donghyuck’s eyes widen, a blush creeping up on his cheeks. He lets out a small whine as he stuffs his face into one of the pillows on their bed.

“You’re getting better at words like that,”

“Of course I am, I’m always practicing on you.”

The line is silent for a while, Donghyuck staring up at the ceiling as he listens to Mark’s breathing, “You wanna tell me again where you’re taking me on Friday?” Donghyuck asks, his voice small as a smile plays against his lips.

“Nope,” Mark replies teasingly, “this isn’t the first time you tried tricking me, Hyuck, I still won’t cave. But I promise you’ll love it.”

“I’m sure I will, anything with you.”

“You’re trying to be sweet with me, aren’t you?”

Donghyuck smiles, “No,” he says dramatically “Just… you know…”

Mark laughs, “No, I don’t know. But it’s fine, you only have to wait a few more days and then we get to be alone for five days, just the two of us.” 

“ _Just_ the two of us?”

“Yep, so you better pack… a lot, cleaning stuff too who knows how much mess we could make.” Mark says, the smirk heard in his voice as he finished his sentence.

“Oh you dirty dirty boy…” Donghyuck trails off, a smile on his face as he stares at the white ceiling, “hold on, I think Jeno’s done eating. I’ll call you back.” 

“Our child I’m telling you,” Mark shouts out just as Donghyuck presses ‘end call’.

Friday couldn’t come fast enough, Donghyuck took a half day and spent it packing his bag. The only thing was, Mark hadn't told him where they were going, not even small hints, so he had no clue what to pack as he stared at his closet.

As if reading his mind from miles away, a text appears from Mark.

_‘Pack for cold weather!’_

Donghyuck sighs, a smile on his face as he stares at Mark’s text. God, he missed him.

Two whole years with Mark, more than actually, but who was counting? Two years with Mark… somehow thinking of that put a grin on Donghyuck’s face — looking like some lovesick high school girl. 

He was happy. Way more than happy, it felt like he was flying.

He fell down on their bed, clutching a sweater to his face — no words could express how excited he was for this weekend, a whole weekend with the love of his life sounded amazing.

He sends Mark a text back, _I love you._

Mark was supposed to start driving down at 2pm so he could get to Donghyuck’s place at around dinner time then they’d drive to wherever Mark was planning.

But by 5:30, Mark still hadn’t replied to Donghyuck’s last text — he wasn’t clingy, he knew Mark was busy, but Mark always replied back to his _I love you’s_ , especially when he was driving.

A frown appears on Donghyuck’s face. No, he wasn't letting his overthinking get to him… especially not tonight.

But by 7pm Donghyuck was worried, _what was going on?_

He sends another text, asking where Mark was now.

No reply.

What was happening? Mark always replied to him.

By 9pm, Donghyuck was worried as shit, he was sitting on the couch, legs pulled up and his chin resting on his knees. He was biting his nails as he stared anxiously at the door, hoping any moment Mark would come walking in.

But it didn’t happen. By 10pm, Donghyuck was terrified. He grabbed his bag and his car keys, deciding to just drive up to Mark instead — something had to have happened if he was 3 hours late _and_ hasn't replied to Donghyuck’s texts.

It was traffic, cars were moving slower — as if they were all trying to peek at something, or they were trying to go around something. This usually happened when there was a car accident.

Donghyuck sighs, maybe this is where Mark was, stuck in traffic. He sends another text saying he was on the way to Mark’s apartment instead, before he continues driving down the road.

The traffic lasted miles and Donghyuck had been driving about an hour and a half before he passed by the commotion… it was unlike anything he’s ever seen before.

Car accidents were common around their area, so Donghyuck wasn’t surprised something happened again, but this car accident was huge. There were police cars everywhere, ambulances, fire trucks, even a news helicopter was flying in the air.

There were three cars included in the accident, that’s how much Donghyuck saw, and the damage looked pretty severe — his heart ached for whoever was inside, the damage done to both them and their cars was indescribable.

He watched the paramedics cover a bloody man on the ground with a white cloth, before bringing him inside the ambulance.

Donghyuck’s breath hitched in his throat, _no he wasn’t gonna stop driving because of some random car accident_. _He needed to get to Mark._

So he drove on, the traffic had dispersed around 30 minutes ago and he was speeding down the freeway, wanting nothing more than to just get to Mark already.

He was still thinking about the car accident earlier, the three cars involved were completely wrecked, one of them was upside down and the other was wrapped around a tree… how the fuck did the people inside survive that.

His breath hitches in his throat when his phone rings — breaking the silence of the car. Donghyuck reaches over to the passenger’s seat to pick it up, a grin taking over his face as he sees the caller ID.

_It was Mark._

He answers immediately, letting out a loud hello.

But it wasn’t Mark on the phone, the breathing sounded like Jeno’s… why was his phone with Jeno?

Donghyuck’s heart was pounding in his chest, loud enough that he could hear it in his ears, his hands were getting clammy as he gripped them tighter around the steering wheel.

“Jeno,” he asks hesitantly, his voice low, “Jeno what’s happening… where’s Mark?”

Sobs. Jeno was _crying_.

Donghyuck panics — Jeno never cried, not even when his first boyfriend broke up with him, what was happening?

“H-Hyuck,” Jeno says in between sobs, talking was heard in the background, shouting even, people shouting out orders, “Hyuck, I think you should come here,”

Donghyuck pulls over, the rapid beating of his heart was sure to be unhealthy, he breathes in deeply, “Jeno… where’s _here_?” 

Jeno breaks into sobs again, sounding like he was being hugged by someone else, the shouting in the background was getting louder and Donghyuck could swear he could hear someone shout ‘We’re bringing in another one.’

_Another what?_

“Hyuck… hi, it’s Jaemin. Jeno can’t really uh, talk right now. But can you come over, we’re at the hospital,”

For a moment Donghyuck’s heart stops, _it can’t be what he was thinking, right? No._

“Jaemin,” he asks slowly, not wanting to hear the answer to his question, “what happened?”

“It’s Mark, Hyuck… he got into an accident and it’s pretty bad, you should get down here.” Loud sobs are heard from Jeno again right as Donghyuck ends the call.

It can’t be… Mark was a careful driver, he’d never get into a car accident… he couldn’t be one of the people in the accident earlier… right?

It’s like Donghyuck’s world paused, it was just him sitting in his car, the sound of his breathing filling the cold air.

_Mark was safe… he had to be._

He didn’t even notice he started crying, he was still pulled over by the side of the road, cars were zooming past him but he was motionless, this couldn’t be happening.

He was shaking the whole drive to the hospital. Nothing was gonna happen to Mark, not today. He was crying too, maneuvering around the cars in his way.

When he opened the doors of the emergency room he was immediately met with Jeno’s hug. Jeno’s face was covered in tears, new tears and dried up tears, his eyes were red and his hair was messy.

Donghyuck was afraid to ask, he didn’t want to know the answer to any of the questions running through his mind, “Jeno, where’s Mark?” 

Jeno stared back at him, his mouth opening to say something — anything, but the words weren’t coming out, it’s like none of them wanted to _believe_ what happened.

It’s like Donghyuck’s heart stopped, just Jeno’s reaction to his question was making this weird feeling in his chest start up, tears were running down his face. He was desperate for an answer, he _needed_ to know where Mark was.

He pushed past Jeno, head turning in all directions to look for Jaemin. The waiting room was full — full of crying families, crying relatives. Everyone was crying, and Donghyuck had a sinking feeling in his chest like he knew what happened… but he couldn’t, this couldn’t have happened to Mark.

His eyes spot Jaemin, talking to the nurse at the nurses’ station. He looked tired.

Jaemin was Jeno’s boyfriend from where Mark lived, they met when Jeno was out there to visit, and even though Jeno lived nearer to Donghyuck then he did to Mark, both he and Jaemin were able to work out their distance problems. 

He practically ran towards Jaemin, tears were streaming down his face and his phone was clutched in his hand. He was shaking.

“Jaem,” he croaks out, hand reaching over to pull Jaemin’s sweater.

The moment Jaemin’s eyes met Donghyuck’s, they softened — as if Jaemin had something to tell him that he couldn’t bring himself to, as if Jaemin knew something that would absolutely break Donghyuck.

He held Donghyuck gently, bringing him to a secluded place away from all the commotion in the emergency room. The mood here was scarier, more serious — the air was tense and Jaemin’s hand was rubbing up and down Donghyuck’s back.

“Jaemin,” he whispers, not having any energy to talk normally anymore — he already knew what happened, he just needed confirmation, “what happened?”

Jaemin sucks in a deep breath, pulling Donghyuck to him so Donghyuck was hugging Jaemin, “He got into a car accident… he got the most damage out of everyone else involved.”

Donghyuck was right, the car accident he passed by earlier… Mark was one of them.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to punch something. He could’ve been there with Mark, he could’ve held his hand, hugged him. If only he stopped when he passed by it, he could’ve been there with him.

“Where is he now?” 

Jaemin hesitates.

“Jaemin… _where is he_?” Donghyuck asks, a scary tone in his voice — desperation.

“He’s gone, Hyuck. He died on impact.”

Donghyuck’s world stops, he falls on the ground, tears flowing down. He couldn’t breathe, this couldn’t be real.

This was all a joke and Mark was waiting for him back at their apartment. It was their _anniversary_ today, he couldn’t be gone.

He sank down to his knees, his head was dropped as sobs left his mouth. It was one thing to know what was happening, it was another to have it confirmed.

The tears wouldn’t stop falling, even when Jeno arrived and they were all crying on the ground.

Mark couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t.

The tears were still there when the doctor told them what happened, the tears were still there when they saw Mark for the last time… he was in hospital clothes but his face was unrecognizable; bruises, scratches, but the most noticeable thing was the lack of breathing in his body.

Donghyuck stuffed his face in Jeno’s chest, his heart clenching in his chest, he couldn’t breathe.

The tears were still there when Jaemin and Jeno dropped him off at their apartment, he couldn’t stay there. He couldn’t.

He walked around that night, down the sidewalk he and Mark met in months ago, around the park they had a picnic in when Donghyuck first moved in. At some point in the night Donghyuck found himself in their old campus, where their whole relationship started. He walked around, past all the allies he and Mark would make out in between classes, past the buildings he and Mark shared classes in.

He sank down on the sidewalk — his legs no longer able to hold him up and he cried, he cried until he no longer could, until he had no energy left in him to even keep his eyes open, Jeno picked him up in the morning before all the students arrived.

He’d go days without doing anything, staring at walls — the pictures of him and Mark, laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He felt empty.

Mark’s funeral was fast, everyone came and left. Even Donghyuck’s parents arrived, flashing Donghyuck a look of sympathy before driving away — not that they ever tried really getting to know Mark.

Donghyuck stayed, though. He stayed until the cemetery cleaners asked him to leave at around midnight, but he came back, day after day he’d sit beside Mark — sometimes not even talking, just sitting there as the tears fell, cursing at anyone up there who would listen.

They weren’t okay, not anymore. Donghyuck wasn’t okay, and it terrified him that maybe he never would be again.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/iamhaechanluvr)   
>  [curious cat](https://curiouscat.qa/haechan143)


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